People with an avoidant attachment style give the impression that relationships aren’t important to them. They see themselves as fiercely independent and tend to prefer many casual relationships to one serious one. They can be dismissive and drive people away with their avoidance of intimacy. They worry they will be trapped in a relationship or miss a better opportunity. They are relieved when their partner wants to keep things casual and may not even have much reaction to seeing their partner flirt with other people. Although they may seem callous, internally they are craving a stable loving relationship. They push people away to avoid the pain of being let down. This is in fact, their biggest fear. They use deactivating strategies in order to justify their feelings about relationships and diminish the importance of relationships they’re in.
Tips for relationships.
The dating pool is heavy on anxious and avoidant people because secure people tend to pair up together. People with Avoidant attachment tend to pair up with anxious attachment people but stir up each other’s issues. If you think you tend to be avoidant in relationships, don’t worry. You can still learn to manage your fears and have a healthy relationship.
Notice the ways that you push people away.
Learn to notice your deactivating strategies. No matter how subtle they may be. Try not to write off your independence as a sign that relationships aren’t important to you. Look at your behavior and the results its bringing you. You get back what you put out there. If you feel your partner clinging, they are giving you information about how distant you are. Make minor adjustments to make your partner comfortable. Remember that relationships are about give and take. Attachment behaviors only occur as a result of unmet needs.
It’s ok to need space in a relationship. Using “I” statements, let your partner know that you need space and making sure they understand this is something you need rather than a reaction to something they are doing wrong.
Try parallel play
Engage in activities that keep you together for a common goal. Cooking, playing with a pet, or some similar project.
Focus on the present
Let go of the phantom ex or the idea of a perfect partner. Look for things you appreciate about your current partner or situation. Find happiness in everyday activities.